AVU&RORO: LOVE, MARRIAGE & DIVORCE 

"Biblically, I had found my Eve. I believe it’s the same feeling Adam had when he said “bone of my bones…” as he laid his eyes on Eve for the first time." - Rodney Shibambu. 

Avuya Shibambu and Rodney Shibambu were three months into a relationship in this photo. 

When two people are truly in love they become one in spirit & mind, and this is evident in their love expression to each other. Love knows no boundaries and how beautiful is it to see young couples committed to each other nowadays?... I know, kinda hard to find.

To cement this month of love, we chatted with this beautiful young couple Avuya Shibambu and her hubby Rodney Shibambu to tell us how two humans can make their union a success in this day and age.

How did you both meet?

We met at FNB, The Grove mall where Roro (Rodney) was working. I was a client and he happened to be the person assisting me. Well, I later found out it was no coincidence – he was already knocking off but when I walked in he told his colleagues not to take my ticket, he will assist me.

How long have you been together?

1 year and 9 months

What got you interested in each other?

Avuya: His confidence. The guy was not beating around the bush about what he wanted and he was confident that he would get it. He did, especially because he got me curious when he kept pointing out that he is Tsonga

Roro: It was definitely physical for me. The first thing I noticed was her boobs, then she came closer and I saw her eyes. We started talking and I was attracted to her way of thinking.

In your own perspective, what do you think keeps the spark in a relationship?

Roro: Communication, we have always been honest about how we feel and we communicate it clearly. Reminding someone that you love them refuels everything. Also, being honest about your feelings and not being shy to express yourself. Going an extra mile and understanding each other’s love languages. I always tell people that my wife speaks my love language fluently and understands it very well.

Avu: Remembering how the person made you feel when you realized you love them. Whatever got the spark in the beginning keeps it burning and so it’s important to always go back and tap into that space.

Roro: Keep pursuing your partner as a guy and as the woman keep yourself looking good. Keep trying to impress each other, I buy my wife flowers and do the things I was doing when I was still pursuing her as if I don’t already have her

'Keep pursuing your partner as a guy and as the woman keep yourself looking good. Keep trying to impress each other' - Roro.

Did you/do you personally believe in “exploring” relationships when one is still in their youth? Would you advise young people to meet different types of people before committing to one person?

Roro: It depends. I think one should do it to get experience and pick up lessons. When I got my heart broken as a kid, my sister told me it’s still going to happen until I find that one person. I did not understand why she would say something so mean because I am crying about one heartbreak and you are telling me I will get ten more? But I get it now. When you are young you are not sure of yourself. I think it’s important to go on a few dates, learn what you like and not like, find out things about yourself. I am not saying sleep around but go on dates and explore. Young people should take their time and have fun in their youth. It took me a few years of test driving, and that helps so that by the time you get the “car” that you want you know what buttons to press. From a Christian perspective, I would say friend-zone a lot of people and draw lessons from your parents – if you have the privilege of still being around them.

Avu: Personally I feel like I did not explore enough and so when I finally did, I was almost like playing catch up. The thing with most ladies, specifically myself, is that every relationship is a serious relationship. Until it’s not, then it’s on to the next one which will also feel like the one, so there is not much room to test drive or explore.

Roro: I would say there is no one answer to this and there is definitely no formula, so do what you are comfortable with. Find yourself and be sure of who you are, then you will attract the right people.

Looking at today’s relationships, what would you say causes separation mostly and how can it be avoided?

Avu: I don’t have much to refer to but from what I have seen in the few relationships I have observed nowadays, there are a few things I can think of. Infidelity, unrealistic expectations, not knowing what you want in a relationship, comparing your relationship to other relationships, trying to impress people outside of your relationship. I think you can avoid separation by being true to yourself, as the person in the relationship. Communicate your feelings from the beginning, for an example express yourself if going on extravagant dates is something that makes you feel loved. Your partner will either accept that or state how they feel about that and you can decide where to move from there.

Roro: Sometimes people don’t know what they want and they go into relationships not knowing themselves and then they figure it out in the relationship but then realize it’s something the partner is not doing so they hold that against the partner. You will end up looking for that thing outside and that’s when infidelity comes in. If relationships went back to being about the people in them and not for show, things would be better. Be honest with yourself because after putting on the show, the lights go off and reality kicks in. A relationship is work. You work to be happy and you work to stay happy. Don’t get caught up in merely being in love and getting butterflies, a relationship is a lot more than that. It’s work. To prevent separation, don’t go into a relationship if you are not ready. There will be ups and downs, you should be willing to stay and commit. Be aware of your deal breakers and communicate them from the beginning.

'Whatever got the spark in the beginning keeps it burning and so it’s important to always go back and tap into that space,' - Avu.

What is love in your own words?

Avu: Love is seeing my husband fully, flaws and all and choosing him every day. Choosing to be loving, faithful, kind and expressing all these things that show that I love him. So I would say love is acting in a loving, kind, and respectful way towards my husband. 

Roro: I battle with defining love but rather prefer answering the question “how do you show love”. But for me, love is Christ more than anything. So I would say love like He does. I would then describe love as one who is willing to die and let the other person live, in the sense that when everything is no longer about you but about your partner. You want them to be happy and taken care of. Your existence is solely about that person. I knew I love my wife when everything stopped being about me and rather about her. I don’t want the decisions that I make every day to affect her in any negative way.

Mr and Mrs Shibambu in 2021.

Bonus questions that the Shibambus posed to each other

Avu, what made you say yes when Roro proposed marriage to you?

I knew he is the person I wanted to spend forever with. The relationship was at a point where I decided there is nothing more out there for me. I had no reason to say no because I had found what I was “looking” for. I wasn’t even looking for marriage but when it was presented to me I knew it’s something that I need, because what is life without it.

Roro, what made you pop the question and how long did it take you?

I realized that if there’s a human being that makes me feel like just taking care of her and making her happy, there was no one else that was going to make feel that way. I liked the person I was becoming when I was with her and I knew this is the kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life. I was tired of the person that I was before. I could not wait to see what more I can become as a man if knowing Avu for a few days made me want to take over the world and do more, I needed to see what else I can do with this woman in my corner. Biblically, I had found my Eve. I believe it’s the same feeling Adam had when he said “bone of my bones…” as he laid his eyes on Eve for the first time. It only took me a few months to reach that decision.

How long do you think someone should wait before deciding to get married?

Avu: Do it when you are ready and have reached a certain maturity level in a relationship and that can be weeks or years. 

Roro: You should not wait long, when they say a guy knows from the first day it’s true. When that light bulb goes off, do it. But if you still have doubts then it means you are not ready. In essence, there is no waiting period.

What advice would you give to someone who wants to get married but is scared of the marriage statistics?

Avu: Be true to yourself. No marriage or relationship will ever be the same. Go for what makes you happy, if you feel like you are ready for marriage then go for it. Don’t be worried about divorce just because people around you are divorcing because that does not necessarily mean it will happen to you. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to handle all the stresses and frustrations that may come with marriage.

Roro: If you are having doubts, then you are not ready. You can never be fully prepared or ready for marriage. Do it when you are ready, and don’t listen to other people’s opinions. Do you!

'I would then describe love as one who is willing to die and let the other person live, in the sense that when everything is no longer about you but about your partner,' - Roro.

What advice would you give a young couple that is contemplating divorce because of the challenges they are facing?

Avu: Go back to your “why”. Ask yourself why am I here, what made me fall in love with this person. Remind yourself and your partner of how they made you feel because that person is still the same. You just need to work towards remembering.

Roro: Seek help by listening to other couples and getting advice. Don’t suffer alone. Ask how you are personally making the marriage suffer. What are you doing to fix the problem or are you the problem as well. To fix misunderstandings in marriage, do not return evil for evil. Honour your vows even when the situation seems like it is not deserving. Instead of being bitter or angry, remain kind to your spouse. Correct them in a loving way. One way to do it is to not react the way you are expected to.

If your partner does something you don’t like, he or she will expect you to act out and be mean. Try doing the opposite, do your part and do not confront them. If they have a conscience they will see your kindness and feel remorse about what they did without you having to even try and point a finger at them. “Kill them with kindness”. Help me see my wrongs lovingly and pull me back to that loving place. Remember the promises you made to God, marriage is for God. Don’t stop doing what is expected of you because you are angry. When God asks you why you broke your marriage vows, you cannot say it’s because your partner broke them too. Do not avenge yourself, remember your place. Continue doing what is expected of you and don’t put conditions to your vows.